Terri Schiavo finally at peace

Well, Terry has passed away as Michael had wished. Perhaps she is in a better place, and very happy now. It was so hard to know the real truth when what we were hearing all came from the media. Both sides trying to get people on their side, saying their side was telling the truth. The only way to really have a solid opinion of what happened, it to know what really happened through the years, know the families, and to have known Terry and her wishes. There is still a part of me that wishes Michael would have let the parents continue taking care of their daughter, but maybe this is also a way for the family to be able to move on. I am anxious to hear what the autopsy report reveals later on. It will prove to be most interesting. It was also amazing that Terry lasted the full 2 weeks before passing away. The family got in all their appeals, it showed Terry has very strong vital sings, and that the tube of food was all she needed to be alive. It was also said that Michael would receive no money. I thought there was money left ftom the law suit, maybe not.
It was also a shame that at the end, the 2 families could not have shared the moments before death in a calm and compatible manner. There again, we only know what the media has told us.
My prayers are with Terry, may she be so happy., and that the families can move on in positive directions.
Just Me.......

Female bloggers are few

I read an article in The Week magazine that says many times women bloggers still hold the result of looking like bitches if they are opinionated. So they don't do blogs. Blogs are basically your opinion about topics. This is such a shame. Women have brains and should be able to use them without being looked upon unfavorably. The majority of bloggers are male. You would think that in todays society this old view would be dead and gone. Women should be seen and not heard I guess still holds on. Well, I guess I am not to worried of what people think of me, or maybe I just never learned to keep my opinions to myself. I grew up with a Mom was very vocal about her opinions so I guess that is where it comes from. Thanks MOM !!!!
I couldn't imagine not being able to state my views along with others.
This would be a longer blog, cept I am recovering form a upper respiratory bug, can't sleep.
Just Me.....

Pain Management appointment

I had a pain management appt today at Kaiser. I thought it would be discussing different pain medications. He was talking about medatation, biofeedback, relaxation. He wanted to know if I had an abusive past, yeah, I do. My Dad was and I was raped, and I have no memory of it. So he proceeds to explain that trauma reroutes the neural pathways of the brain. Yes, I am aware of that. It changes the cheistry of the brain also. I understand all this, and I now have his CD and book that cost another 30.00, But I still have pain. I felt very let down. I wanted relief now. I don't want to spend the next year playing with my neural pathway, I want pain relief now. He was surprised I was aware of all these things. Well, I read alot, and I don't read Cosmo. I read Science and medical journals. I have an associates degree in Human Services, the helping field. I spent some time helping others. I was in a group home for the mentally ill over 55, and I worked for a deaf service center. It was a great experience.
I research about fibro,. on the net, and read about it anywhere I can. Books etc...I have read about all of this. I like to think that I have put my abusive past behind me, and it has nothing to do woth this Fibro thing. It started from another car accident. I have been in at least 15 of them.Lots of rear end one. So perhaps my pathways don't know how to find their way back to feeling better, but I doubt it. I think I got this Fibro from my muscles finally saying, we've had enough of these friggin accidents, and we aren't getting better for you anymore. But then I have another theory of it being a virus too. So just don't know.But I have to say I felt like I wasted time and money , I didn't have to waste on this today. I still am in pain, bottom line !!!!!!!!!
Just Me...
Thanks for stopping in.

Food stamps

Wow, I made it to my appointment and wasn't to sick. I usually have to cancel and try several times. But I went and the state says that I qualify for food stamps. This is a great thing for me, and maybe I can get medicaid. My perscriptions are so expensice, I don't know how it all works. I have to fill out more paper work and see what happens. I wish I could work, this life is so embarressing. Not to support myself, and to have to ask for help. Then being turned down by my Long Term Insurance was a really bad thing to have to accept. I paid for it, and they won;t allow me to use it,.What a scam....
night....
Just Me..

Fibromyalgia and Me(Repeat for April)

Fibromyalgia and Me
This is my story of developing Fibromyalgia, and how my life is now.I was working at a large insurance company in the claims office. We handled accident reports etc, and I did mostly clerical work, as well as mail & file duties. I was on my way to work one morning, and at a stop sign, only a few blocks from where I lived, I was rear ended by another car. Having been in previous rear end accidents, I knew I was going to have some pain, and I did. I went to my Doctor who sent me to physical therapy. After doing this for a few weeks I went to a Chiropractor, and then tried massage therapy. None of these helped me get back to normal. I continued to have pain. My primary care doctor then referred me onto a Rheumatologist. I was lucky, as she was able to diagnose me quickly with Fibromyalgia, and I know it takes many people years to get this diagnosis. Even though I know what I have, it hasn’t been very easy. I spent most of my time in the beginning in denial. I would have the flare ups, and when they were over and I was back to work, in my mind I would say, ok, I am getting better now, and it’s not coming back. However after several months of going through this, getting progressively worse, and more symptoms coming out. I had to quit my job from the pain and other symptoms, and for not performing my job well. I had to finally accept that I have it. It would take me a long time to get through a task that before would take only minutes. My brain didn’t want to function, it wanted to just sit in my head, and do nothing. It was difficult to concentrate and to stay focused on a task. I would perform the same task everyday, and then poof it was gone. How did I do this yesterday? Some days I don’t even remember getting to work. I was in a fog of pain, just moving through the motions, and then I was at my desk. I would ask myself, how did I get here? Waking up in the morning was so agonizing, just to move. The saying “feeling like a Mack truck hit you” applies well. But I was trying desperately to hold on to my job. I even went under the FMLA (Family Medical Leave Act) program at work to protect myself from having to many absences. It didn’t however protect me from harassment from my Supervisor for the absences, or for my performance issues. I was under so much stress everyday at work, which did not help at all. Finally my Doctor and I agreed (with me in tears) it was time to leave my job for my own health.I began having really bad migraines that would last for days. I developed irritable bowel syndrome. The pain is so bad that on many days I can’t even get out of bed. I have flare-ups of pain, and flare ups of the overwhelming fatigue. I spend a lot of time in bed, only getting up for the bathroom, or to get the next ice pack. My doctor prescribed Ultram for the pain, and it does help some. In the morning, I wake up and have a glass of water by my bed. I take the pain medication, and lie back down for at least 1-2 hours for it to work. Then I get up and try to determine what I will feel like that day. Many days the fatigue/pain puts me back to bed. I get about 1-2 days a week that I would call functional. Even on ok days, I still need rest periods.I used to be so active. I walked 12 miles a week, I went dancing, I traveled when I could, and I went out with friends and family on outings and visits. I was actively dating also. Now I do none of these things. I have no social life. My biggest hobby is reading, which I do enjoy, but I want to do the things I used to do. I feel my muscles atrophying, and it really bothers me. My body is loosing this battle, and I think about how my leg muscles used to be so hard from the dancing, and ice-skating. It is very disheartening.After being in another car accident, the Fibromyalgia moved into my right hip, and leg. I have recently taken up pool walking on my good days to try to work on that area, and to get some exercise for my leg muscles. My membership is over and I can’t afford another one. I was only able to go 1-2 days a week at most. I used to be size 7-8, now I am stable at size 16. I do not diet cause I do not want to yo yo, and that’s all diets do. However, I do try to eat healthy foods, when I even feel like eating. Most days I eat nothing till evening.There are a lot of persons with Fibromyalgia, but many are worse than others. Some can continue to work and carry on almost normal lives, but I am one of the more severe cases, and I am unable to work. I have tried to consider many different ways to earn an income, but I come up empty handed. On the day I am to deliver, or be somewhere, or do something, etc.. I would be in bed. To see me on one of my 1-2 days a week, where I can go to the store, and run a couple errands, no one would know what I have to live with on my other days. I hide my pain well. My car will sit for days in the driveway, and anyone waiting on a response from me, would have to just wait. I have filed for Social Security and that is a very long process. They deny everyone on the first time. Is that fair? I don’t think so. I have filed again, and I have gone to their doctor, and they have my Doctor’s notes. But the Social Security system is so poor, that it takes years to obtain a decision. People loose their lives, their cars, their homes, their spouses, and the list goes on. I am lucky; I can live with my mother. I am not proud of this. I am a very independent person, and have lived on my own all my life since I was 17 years old. I am now 46. But I am still lucky to have a kind and understanding Mother who is there for me. This Social Security system is in urgent need of work, and I mean urgent, emergency, right away work. Get it straightened out one way or another for Disabled Americans who have paid their money into it.I also have filed under my Long Term Disability insurance that I paid for through my job. It is just as bad. They don’t want to pay, they don’t want to acknowledge that a person could be in a situation and not be able to work. This is Cigna, but I think they are all about the same. There should be laws against them doing this. My doctor supports me in not being able to work. She wouldn’t do that if it weren’t true, and they know it. But still they say no. They cause people to get lawyers who expect you to pay thousands of dollars to get help from them, and I don’t have it. The insurance companies know this, so they say no, and they know that you are trapped, stuck, even though you paid for the coverage. There are persons who have committed suicide over this. If they have nowhere to go, and no way to support them selves, they’ve lost everything, house, car, what do they have left.I haven’t the money to see Doctors outside my HMO. It alone is 200.00 plus a month plus the medications. I can see why people with chronic pain are committing suicide; it’s like what’s the point. Nowhere to turn, no one to listen, no one to believe you, just more pain, every day. On days when I am in a flare up I have thought that I would be better off dead, not to feel the pain, and not to feel so worthless. And to know it will be days till I feel better again. I have had migraines that last for 2 weeks, it’s insane.I am praying every night to God to get better, and I have stopped feeling guilty that other people are worse off. This is my pain, and I have a right to pray for relief, but I pray for them too. I would not wish this on my worst enemy. Never. I have wasted so much of my life doing nothing, and it drives me crazy. In my mind there are so many things I want to get done, and do, and my body says “oh no you don’t, not today, not tomorrow, maybe next week sometime”. At night while my brain forbids sleep, these are the things that fill my head. What I should be doing, what I want to do, and maybe tomorrow I can get some things done. But then tomorrow comes and I am let down once again.It’s very frustrating, very discouraging, and I can’t imagine anyone not getting depressed from it. I see and read articles that say things like, take control of your pain, don’t let it run your life, and I just have to laugh, and know they have no idea what it is like.I hear others say I need to exercise, and they have no idea how a body with Fibromyalgia reacts to exercise. No matter how many times I stretch, or move, it never goes away and it never gets better.I have hope that in the future, and through research there will be more medication(s) to treat the symptoms of pain and fatigue. A cure would be nice, but for now just relief, and being able to work again would be great. I loved working, and I loved my job, and I miss it a lot. I’ve always been a hard worker and many times worked 2-3 jobs at a time. I went back to college and got my Associates degree when I was in my 30”s, and that was while I worked also. Lazy is not in my make-up, but that is how anyone who knows me now would label me.Thanks for taking the time to read this article, and I am hoping more people will understand what life with severe Fibromyalgia is like. I am hoping that more can be done, and that Social Security, and the Insurance Companies will recognize it for the disability that it is.Here are some helpful websites for those who need them.National Fibromyalgia Association:http://www.fmaware.org/Online support group (lots of good answers here)http://www.ezboard.com/(Click on find your board, then under what is your interest, enter social security, and scroll down till you see Clouds online support group, click on this and you can go from there).

Terry Schiavo

I don't understand why the husband doesn't just divorce her and let the parents take care of her. Will he get life insurance money if she dies?
Why can't he just let her go, he has a another woman and has had kids by her, but won't get a divorce from Terry so he can marry her. Why is he holding on to her like this, why does he want her to die so bad. Might she remember what happened and it could have involved him?
I just think that most people would let the parents take care of their daughter and get on with their lives. Why can't he, why does he have to make sure she dies?
Just my opinion,
Just Me...

Sinus cat scan results

Hey there folks:
I got my results today from the Doctor on my cat scan. I have no forehead sinus's, none, zilch. Very weird. My Doctor said that people with cystic fibrosis have no forehead sinus's. My mom has a chronic chect congestion problem, that never stops. She always wondered if it could be a form of cystic fibrosis, but not the major one. She has all kinds of tests etc...
My sinus are chronic in draining, the same type of thing. I wonder if this is a form of another type of strain of the cystic fibrosis disease.
Anyway, I am to also see an allergist and maybe have the sinus surgery at a later date, Fine with me, not in any hurry!!!!
till another day......
Just Me.........

Another thought on the hot topic

I don't know of any TRUE religion that teaches it's followers to be a bad person. Religions as a whole, teach everyone to be a good decent person. If we are told that someone is a very religious person, we think, well they must be a good decent person, not even knowing which religion they belong to. I don't know of a religion, a true religion, that says, go kill someone, or go steal from your neighbor, or lie to anyone you can. It isn't there. There are all basically saying, be a good person. And there is room for all of them. It doesn't matter which you belong to, and it shouldn't matter.What metters here, on earth in our society is that we are strive to be good decent people, to our families, to our neighbors, and to everyone we meet in any day.
Go forth and spread good will (just kidding)........
tata...........

Religion, the hot topic

Hi,
I just can't understand why anyone would kill another human being over what religion they believed in. There are so many, and plenty of room on this earth for all of them. What does anyone care what mine or anyone else's religion is. If stranded on a desert island, with another who has a religion you don't believe in, would you not take the help they offered to you. Would you not accept them as your only companion, possibly for years. If a terrorist was there, would he spend his nights trying to figure out how to kill the only other person they could relate to on any level. Make them self totally alone.

We live on a huge islands, many islands. Every piece of land is an island.

We are raised on someone else's beliefs. We are taught what we should think at a very early age. No matter what a person is taught, or how they are brought up, they can see, that in any society it is wrong to kill another. It is wrong to hurt another, unless they are being punished for what they have already done.

I have an Aunt who is now deceased. Her son died of Aids. Before he died, she asked him, if there is anyway you can come back and tell me you are OK, please do it. He assued her he would. At the times of his death, I was walking with my headphones(this is before the Fibromyalgia, now I can't), and I was taken up into the teee tops. I could see my body down on the ground still walking along. Really a weird feeling. In the tree tops, the light, bright light, so bright it should have blinded me, but it didn't, flowed through the trees, through the bark, and streamed all around, encasing me. Her son was ok, he was in the best of hands. I was transmitted this info. Not by speech, just the feeling. I felt a feeling so wonderful, it couldn't match anything on this earth. Such contentment, such a free, wonderful feeling. At that point I also felt that what your religion is doesn't matter, we are all under one being, or whatever you want to call it. All this killing, and fighting over what we believe in doesn't matter up there. We are wasting our time on it. Wasting human life.

Maybe I am wrong, I may not have it right, but that is what I felt, and unity is what I believe. Total unity.

When I returned to my body, I felt very grounded, very heavy. I had hurt my ankle and didn't know it till I got back into my body. I had crossed the street, did I look before I went, I have no idea. But I did report to my Aunt how her son was doing. She was so happy to here it. For several days after, I wanted to return to that light, it was such a great place. I finally got past that feeling . I finally felt totally grounded, back on earth. Very strange.

Tata,

Just Me.

DONATIONS

Hi,
I have set up a donations button using paypal for anyone who would like to donate to me towards my living expenses. This includes my health insurance, my medical bills, my perscriptions, my daily needs expenses, like toothpaste, etc..I have no income and any help I get from anyone will be greatly appreciated. I do not want to abuse any kindness that anyone would show towards me. Thanks so much for your interest and caring.If anyone needs proof of my disability I can supply you with a copy of my Doctors letter.
Thanks so very, very much,
Just Me.

Sinus problems

Hey there,
Had a cat scan done of my sinus's a few days ago. May have to have surgery to correct chronic problems. My sister just had surgery. It turned out that she only had one sinus in her forehead instead of two. My cat scan looked like I didn't have any in the forehead, or if there is they are almost nonexitant. Strange. We must have been born that way. Anyone ever hear of that?
They don't add them in, they just open up what is there. I have an appt with the Doc next thursday to see what happens next.
Anybody else have no sinus's in their forehead?
bye bye.........

Hello

Hi, Is anyone reading this blog?
How do I get more exposure, I am new at this. Just comment if you can read me. Just say "I can, and any advice you may have".
Thanks you so much for dropping in.........
tootles..........

I can't get Dooced !!!!!!!

In an article in The week, it seemd some folks are getting fired for what they are putting in their blog. I am not working so I can't be fired for talking badly about the company's I have worked for. But actually it wouldn't do any good. I don't believe anyone will decide how they feel about a company from someone's blog. I have been wronged by a couple companies, but they are the big fish with lawyers, money, and power. It is pretty useless to fight them. It is quite rare to win against a large company. It only wastes ones time, energy, and income. Nothing is fair in work and play, unfortunatly. I wasn't born into wealth, nor have I aquired it, and it looks like my chances of aquiring it are pretty slim to none. Unless you have money and power in this society you are basically a nobody, with no power, and no ability to fight others that have it. It's a shame but with so many people in this world only so many can be wealthy and powerful. Bummer.
Oh well, back to my nest......tata..........

Poetry

Hi,
I write poetry. It is a shame that no one really reads it all that much anymore. It doesn't make anyone much money. I have entered a few contests to see what happens. Hoping to win some money to live on. I will also try to send some to magazines that publish it, but they don't pay much for it. Writing is very competitive, and it is almost like you have to know the right person to break into the market. Many magazine only take solicited articles, that is ones they assign to people they know. I wrote many of my poems as a younger person. I spent much of my time growing up alone. There were no other kids in my neighborhood in my age group. So I just enjoyed nature, things like that.
I get the Writer Magazine, and it has some very good articles in it.
There is also many company's that try to make money off of poet's using scam awards, they try to get you to buy a book that has your poem published in it. If they get 200 people buying the book, they make a good profit. The book isn't seen by anyone except those that buy it. I did that once when I was very young, but never again. So be forewarned. And they have tried to get me to come to these award ceramonies, that cost major bucks to attend. No thanks, don't need that. My ego will be OK. I can't read in front of people anyway. I get to nervous.I had to have someone else read my poem in the auditorium in college. Just could not do it. It isn't worth the stress.Public speaking is not my gig. OK, well till my next post, tata, tootles, and bye bye.

United Nations for Food Program

We have this organization that is supposed to be the protectors of peace, a source for help in the way of food and other supplies for the United Nations. It is pretty scary, that no matter what they do, they have to be corrupt about it. Steel the money, rape the women and children. And some still have to ask, Do we really need this organization?
It seems all that can do is hurt other people. Maybe we should consider Pres. Clinton for the job. At least he keeps his mistakes under his desk. We need to have a way to totally overhaul this whole organization. I am just waiting to hear of the next big screw up that have made.
tata...........

My Little Senegal Parrot

My Little Senegal Parrot
I developed Fibromyalgia after a car accident in 2002. My life has changed drastically since then. I eventually had to leave my job in Nov. of 2003 due to my illness. In Sept. before I left, I was at work one day, struggling though, when one of my friends came and told me a bird had flown into the window. She came to me because she knew how much I loved animals. I went to the window on the second floor and as soon as I saw the bird I knew it wasn’t meant to be in the wild. It was the pretty green you see on a parakeet. I pecked on the glass with my fingernail and it acted like it was trying to come inside. I went downstairs, out the door and looked up two stories at it. It was on the ledge and I started talking to it. I said things like “Hey Birdie”, etc…and after I starting saying “Pretty Bird”, it seemed to respond to me. After a few attempts to fly down, it finally did and it landed on my head. I stood there and wondered, is this little thing going to peck my face off, or chow on my finger when I put my hand up. I stood for a few minutes and then figured I better try something or I would loose it. So I raised my finger up to it, and it climbed on, leaving my finger intact. I started walking to the door while talking softly to it. Once I got inside the receptionist asked, “How did you do that?” There were several people in the waiting room, and I think they were very shocked to see me walk in with a bird on my head. I asked one of the receptionist’s if she would mind if it sat on her shoulder while I went and bought a cage etc…She agreed. And when I got back with all the supplies, it was still just sitting there looking around. I put food and water in the cage and lined the bottom with some paper. I held up my finger and it gently stepped on. When I put it in the cage it went with no problems, and it went for the water right away. I had to get back to work as my lunch hour was up, so I left it there with the girls in the reception room. At the end of the day, they told me the poor little thing had slept most of the time. I went and pulled my car to the front of the building, and one of the girls helped me get everything into my car. The bird rode in the car well, and seemed to enjoy the ride.
Once I got it home and situated in my room, it stayed very quiet, and I tried to search for what kind of bird I had found. I thought it to be a Conure. I put an ad in the paper on Sunday, and watched the papers for a month. I tried not to get to attached to it, because if someone claimed it, it would hurt to let it go. After searching for a month I decided I would keep it. I wasn’t sure I had enough time for a bird, but I figured what I could give was better then being out there trying to survive in the wild.
At first I mostly talked to it, and made sure it was comfortable. It slowly started to make little noises here and there. It liked slow easy music, and eventually would carry on bird chatter conversations with me. I would repeat what it whistled or sang, and we would go on till it got tired. I spend a lot of time in bed from my illness and it is such a nice thing to have the little thing to talk to. It even started talking and saying words, but they were very hard to understand. I went ahead and subscribed to Bird Talk magazine and low and behold the very first issue I got had it’s picture in it, and that is when I found out I had a Senegal Parrot. From what I have researched I believe it to be a she. And she and I have become very good friends. She was named Widdle. I called her “widdle bird” all the time, so I just named her Widdle.
This little bird has so much personality it is just amazing. She can be a little tyrant, or the sweetest thing in the world. Respecting that it is by nature a wild bird, and that it is basically like a little toddler, has helped me adjust to her moods. She bends her head down for a scratch, and then bites my finger when I go to scratch her. Then she laughs loud and clear. That’s her way of telling me she wants to play, and play she does. She loves to try to catch your finger, and she likes to sit on my head and play with my hair, and if I have a hair clip in, it will end up as her toy. She loves certain toys and if you take them away, expect a bite. She spends her days in the living room in her day cage, with my Mom and her friend. I have had to move back home since I am unable to work now. My Mom and her friend get a kick out of her too, and she gets lots of treats and attention.
She laughs along with everyone, and when mealtime comes she better be included. On days when I have to stay in bed, she chats off and on all day with me. I have started to be able to understand some of her words and just recently I taught her to say Peek-a-boo. I was so happy when she said it. She also says, “Hey Baby, Can you hear me, Hey birdie, Pretty birdie”, and the rest I haven’t figured out yet. Her speech isn’t clear like some breeds of birds that are better at talking, but she gets an “A” for trying. I am working on Hello, as she rings the phone all the time. She will only talk in my room, and seems to be so shy about talking in front of other people. One day I got her to say Peek-a-boo in front of my family, but it was hardly audible.
I don’t clip her wings because I believe a bird should be able to fly for exercise. She gets to come out after dinner many days and fly and play. She does tend to bite everyone except me, as we have bonded so well. So when she comes out of her cage it is a ritual that the hats come out as well. She will fly to my Mom, or her friend’s hat, and sit on top on their head for awhile, but eventually she gets into mischief by trying to grab their glasses, or peck an eyebrow. My Mom is in a rocker and she seems to like to rock gently while sitting on her head. When she is in her day cage, she will be doing just fine till everyone leaves the room, then she gets very upset. She doesn’t like it when there is no one in the room. I always tell her I’ll be back when I leave a room, and she seems to understand that now. This I learned from Bird Talk Magazine tips, and it seems to help her as she has learned that I always come back.
She has developed a very good appetite. Her favorite are corn, Lima beans, and loves the pods in a long bean. Guess who gets to sit and pick them out for her. She also likes sesame bran chips, apples, grapes, cherries, papaya, and plums. On occasion she gets the soft bread inside a biscuit, and some crust from a pizza, and only once in awhile a little piece of piecrust. I am afraid it would be too much fat for her little body to eat more. She is so spoiled and gets all the good foods from the pet stores for birds.
She takes a bath from her water dish about once a week, and I take her out and use a washcloth to dry her off some. At first she disliked this, but now is getting used to it and knows it is coming. I keep a heating blanket over her cage and she stays toasty all the time. She’ll climb into the top where it is the warmest and sleep. She never pecks at the blanket or chews it. She can bite pretty hard if she doesn’t get her way, or is mad, but I am not afraid of her little beak and she knows it. Every night she gets special time alone with me before she goes into her night cage. She starts clucking and puffing her feathers, which also leads me to believe that she is a she. I used to have a white dove that did the same thing, and went through the egg laying and all. I used the fake eggs until she was finished her sitting. I had her for 8 years, and she was found in a parking lot and brought to me. When she was found she had been dyed bright yellow from her neck down, and I thought I had this very exotic bird. Slowly she became a young white dove, and was a very good pet. Very tame and loving. Except when I tried to get her a friend. She would have pecked it to death had I not separated them.
Widdle likes to do summer saws, play with her toys, and hang upside down. She likes to do the rock upside down in her cage before she goes to sleep too, and I have to rock with her or she won’t be happy. She also loves to lie in the crook of my arm and be scratched, but she feels very vulnerable here and only does it when no one is around and it is very calm and safe, usually in the evening in my room. She isn’t too crazy about being down low. Sometimes she will chew on my slippers while they are on my feet, but she is very wary and climbs back up after just a couple minutes. She loves soft materials, like fleece to chew on, and she has discovered the tissue roll. I hang one in her cage with a little tissue left on it and it is shredded in no time. It is one of the cheapest toys I have found. She also loves to ride in the car in the warm weather hanging upside down in her cage.
One thing about Widdle is she scares so easy, and starts trembling. Things that scare her are things you wouldn’t even dream of. She was terrified of a tissue, but now, it is one of her favorite toys, and I call it “Achoo”. She also scares of reflecting chrome of pots and pans, the vacuum, uncovered light bulbs/bright lights, loud noises, large objects, something different, and sometimes I never know what does it. It is amazing, she can be so brave and such a little beast, and then suddenly be terrified and trembling. I tuck her under my neck and hold her till she stops shaking, and when she settles down she climbs out onto my shoulder ready to face what is next.
Her personality couldn’t be more varied than any person I know. I feel very lucky to have found her and am glad she is safe and warm. I am not sure everyone would put up with her moods and her little beak, but I am glad I do.

Fibromyalgia update

Hey all,
I will be loosing my health insurance at the end of July. I am going to try to get on Medicaid. I sure hope I can. I can't imagine not having pain medication. Life is so hard now, without that, I might as well forget it. I miss living on my own so much. I never thought I would be in a situation like this. Major bummer. There are people who would love this life style, not to work, and have a place to live. But not me, I want to be on my own and have a good job. I feel like a trapped animal. It just really sucks. OK, tata for now.

Fibromyalgia and Me

This is my story of developing Fibromyalgia, and how my life is now.
I was working at a large insurance company in the claims office. We handled accident reports etc, and I did mostly clerical work, as well as mail & file duties. I was on my way to work one morning, and at a stop sign, only a few blocks from where I lived, I was rear ended by another car. Having been in previous rear end accidents, I knew I was going to have some pain, and I did. I went to my Doctor who sent me to physical therapy. After doing this for a few weeks I went to a Chiropractor, and then tried massage therapy. None of these helped me get back to normal. I continued to have pain. My primary care doctor then referred me onto a Rheumatologist. I was lucky, as she was able to diagnose me quickly with Fibromyalgia, and I know it takes many people years to get this diagnosis. Even though I know what I have, it hasn’t been very easy. I spent most of my time in the beginning in denial. I would have the flare ups, and when they were over and I was back to work, in my mind I would say, ok, I am getting better now, and it’s not coming back. However after several months of going through this, getting progressively worse, and more symptoms coming out. I had to quit my job from the pain and other symptoms, and for not performing my job well. I had to finally accept that I have it. It would take me a long time to get through a task that before would take only minutes. My brain didn’t want to function, it wanted to just sit in my head, and do nothing. It was difficult to concentrate and to stay focused on a task. I would perform the same task everyday, and then poof it was gone. How did I do this yesterday? Some days I don’t even remember getting to work. I was in a fog of pain, just moving through the motions, and then I was at my desk. I would ask myself, how did I get here? Waking up in the morning was so agonizing, just to move. The saying “feeling like a Mack truck hit you” applies well. But I was trying desperately to hold on to my job. I even went under the FMLA (Family Medical Leave Act) program at work to protect myself from having to many absences. It didn’t however protect me from harassment from my Supervisor for the absences, or for my performance issues. I was under so much stress everyday at work, which did not help at all. Finally my Doctor and I agreed (with me in tears) it was time to leave my job for my own health.
I began having really bad migraines that would last for days. I developed irritable bowel syndrome. The pain is so bad that on many days I can’t even get out of bed. I have flare-ups of pain, and flare ups of the overwhelming fatigue. I spend a lot of time in bed, only getting up for the bathroom, or to get the next ice pack. My doctor prescribed Ultram for the pain, and it does help some. In the morning, I wake up and have a glass of water by my bed. I take the pain medication, and lie back down for at least 1-2 hours for it to work. Then I get up and try to determine what I will feel like that day. Many days the fatigue/pain puts me back to bed. I get about 1-2 days a week that I would call functional. Even on ok days, I still need rest periods.
I used to be so active. I walked 12 miles a week, I went dancing, I traveled when I could, and I went out with friends and family on outings and visits. I was actively dating also. Now I do none of these things. I have no social life. My biggest hobby is reading, which I do enjoy, but I want to do the things I used to do. I feel my muscles atrophying, and it really bothers me. My body is loosing this battle, and I think about how my leg muscles used to be so hard from the dancing, and ice-skating. It is very disheartening.
After being in another car accident, the Fibromyalgia moved into my right hip, and leg. I have recently taken up pool walking on my good days to try to work on that area, and to get some exercise for my leg muscles. My membership is over and I can’t afford another one. I was only able to go 1-2 days a week at most. I used to be size 7-8, now I am stable at size 16. I do not diet cause I do not want to yo yo, and that’s all diets do. However, I do try to eat healthy foods, when I even feel like eating. Most days I eat nothing till evening.
There are a lot of persons with Fibromyalgia, but many are worse than others. Some can continue to work and carry on almost normal lives, but I am one of the more severe cases, and I am unable to work. I have tried to consider many different ways to earn an income, but I come up empty handed. On the day I am to deliver, or be somewhere, or do something, etc.. I would be in bed. To see me on one of my 1-2 days a week, where I can go to the store, and run a couple errands, no one would know what I have to live with on my other days. I hide my pain well. My car will sit for days in the driveway, and anyone waiting on a response from me, would have to just wait. I have filed for Social Security and that is a very long process. They deny everyone on the first time. Is that fair? I don’t think so. I have filed again, and I have gone to their doctor, and they have my Doctor’s notes. But the Social Security system is so poor, that it takes years to obtain a decision. People loose their lives, their cars, their homes, their spouses, and the list goes on. I am lucky; I can live with my mother. I am not proud of this. I am a very independent person, and have lived on my own all my life since I was 17 years old. I am now 46. But I am still lucky to have a kind and understanding Mother who is there for me. This Social Security system is in urgent need of work, and I mean urgent, emergency, right away work. Get it straightened out one way or another for Disabled Americans who have paid their money into it.
I also have filed under my Long Term Disability insurance that I paid for through my job. It is just as bad. They don’t want to pay, they don’t want to acknowledge that a person could be in a situation and not be able to work. This is Cigna, but I think they are all about the same. There should be laws against them doing this. My doctor supports me in not being able to work. She wouldn’t do that if it weren’t true, and they know it. But still they say no. They cause people to get lawyers who expect you to pay thousands of dollars to get help from them, and I don’t have it. The insurance companies know this, so they say no, and they know that you are trapped, stuck, even though you paid for the coverage. There are persons who have committed suicide over this. If they have nowhere to go, and no way to support them selves, they’ve lost everything, house, car, what do they have left.
I haven’t the money to see Doctors outside my HMO. It alone is 200.00 plus a month plus the medications. I can see why people with chronic pain are committing suicide; it’s like what’s the point. Nowhere to turn, no one to listen, no one to believe you, just more pain, every day. On days when I am in a flare up I have thought that I would be better off dead, not to feel the pain, and not to feel so worthless. And to know it will be days till I feel better again. I have had migraines that last for 2 weeks, it’s insane.
I am praying every night to God to get better, and I have stopped feeling guilty that other people are worse off. This is my pain, and I have a right to pray for relief, but I pray for them too. I would not wish this on my worst enemy. Never. I have wasted so much of my life doing nothing, and it drives me crazy. In my mind there are so many things I want to get done, and do, and my body says “oh no you don’t, not today, not tomorrow, maybe next week sometime”. At night while my brain forbids sleep, these are the things that fill my head. What I should be doing, what I want to do, and maybe tomorrow I can get some things done. But then tomorrow comes and I am let down once again.
It’s very frustrating, very discouraging, and I can’t imagine anyone not getting depressed from it. I see and read articles that say things like, take control of your pain, don’t let it run your life, and I just have to laugh, and know they have no idea what it is like.
I hear others say I need to exercise, and they have no idea how a body with Fibromyalgia reacts to exercise. No matter how many times I stretch, or move, it never goes away and it never gets better.
I have hope that in the future, and through research there will be more medication(s) to treat the symptoms of pain and fatigue. A cure would be nice, but for now just relief, and being able to work again would be great. I loved working, and I loved my job, and I miss it a lot. I’ve always been a hard worker and many times worked 2-3 jobs at a time. I went back to college and got my Associates degree when I was in my 30”s, and that was while I worked also. Lazy is not in my make-up, but that is how anyone who knows me now would label me.
Thanks for taking the time to read this article, and I am hoping more people will understand what life with severe Fibromyalgia is like. I am hoping that more can be done, and that Social Security, and the Insurance Companies will recognize it for the disability that it is.
Here are some helpful websites for those who need them.
National Fibromyalgia Association:
http://www.fmaware.org/
Online support group (lots of good answers here)
http://www.ezboard.com/
(Click on find your board, then under what is your interest, enter social security, and scroll down till you see Clouds online support group, click on this and you can go from there).